I Don’t Want A Boyfriend- I Want An Instagram Buddy

Relationships are messy. You start off having a crush, go on a few dates, hook up, and then bam- you’re in a relationship that is so Facebook official even your relatives are commenting on pictures. Vom. (Sorry, I’m just not the relationship type.)

Now, just because I’m against it doesn’t mean that I come from a broken home. In fact, my parents have been married for a little over 35 years now. But I feel as though marriages like theirs are a dying breed. Slowly becoming extinct. Collecting spider webs. Old tales.

Which is why I am going for something completely off course. I used to think that having a boyfriend was grand. Someone to talk to all the time, hang out, kiss, be supportive etc. But I’ve realized that I don’t need that. I mean, aside from the kissing part, my best friend fulfills all the other needs. And she comes with way less baggage and drama.

So I have decided that instead of going out and seeking a boyfriend that I will seek out an Instagram buddy. What does this mean? It’s pretty simple actually: someone who photographs well & could be mistaken for as a boyfriend.

Now, you’re probably thinking that I am the most shallow bitch right now, but let me explain. I have had my heart broken way too many times. Each time was a learning experience, but each time also made me put up my guard more and more.

I mean, guys are great and use them for whatever you’d like ladies, but they are especially great for a photo opp. That is if your man is cute.

But I did come to a realization that guys treat every girl the same way. They make her feel like she’s so special and great and take her for dinner a few times, etc. etc. but then they drop her. So fast and so hard that the poor girl usually never knows what just hit her. Aka me. Maybe this is only an NYC thing, but I feel as if it’s getting contagious now.

Guys are almost allowed to use girls these days. It’s looked upon as being cool or whatever by fellow bros, while the girls they fucked get lost in the mix. I’m trying to change the scene. I think it’s perfectly acceptable to use a boy. In the right situation of course.

So I figured, if guys use girls all the time then why can’t girls use guys? I mean, at least I’m not going the slut route by hooking up with these guys. I just want pictures with good light. Fucking duh.

Plus, most of the guys in Manhattan are gross and squirming with diseases. I’m definitely not trying to catch anything except for a great angle.

So as I send my apologies to Mummy and Daddy who shouldn’t be expecting a son-in-law anytime soon, I also want to apologize to the boys in my past who were only as great as the amount of Instagram likes they brought to my pictures.

 

xx

 

photos: tumblr

Your Life Doesn’t Suck- It’s Just Your Attitude

Sometimes the path you pick in life doesn’t come with a book for dummies. And unlike college, if you don’t like what you’re doing then you can change your focus without being punished or put behind.

Brilliant, right?

But some people think that just because they’re in a shitty situation, it means they’re stuck there. Forever. Like eternity. Or until happy hour starts and they can pretend to be happy. Or drink their sorrows away (girls, wear waterproof mascara if you do this though).

I remember the first time my dad taught me to ride a bike. Trust me, this will all be relevant if you make it to the end of this article. I’m like a cracker jack box. You’ll get something out of this in the end. No, not like a happy ending though. Sick-o’s.

Anyway, back to me about to ride my kick ass pink bike. I was outside with my dad, and also note that this was in Texas so it was probably a hundred fucking degrees. Which means that I was probably being a brat because sweating doesn’t look cresh (cute and precious combined) on anyone unless you’re David Beckham.

So, I’m about to get on this bike and ride off like the creepy dude from Saw until I remember one thing: we forgot my helmet.

You would think that’s the first thing to grab before heading out, but for some reason my dad and I forgot. Also, it was a hundred fucking degrees so all I wanted to do was rush through this crash course lesson ASAP so I could catch Hey Arnold! or Angry Beavers.

As I’m riding around though, I’ll never forget my dad’s awesome advice: “If you fall, just make sure you keep your head from hitting the pavement.” Of course CPS would have been like, “WTF shit advice is that?” But I learned how to ride my bike that day and even now when I fall, I always make sure my head doesn’t hit the ground.

But, occasionally, I do hit my head. Not literally though.

I mean this with my failures. I’m not perfect and I haven’t landed that ultimate dream job like many of us are still searching for, but I believe that I have a good out take on things. Maybe it’s because I never hit my head when I fell off my bike or because I’m really good at carrying my drunk confidence into the next day.

Either way, life is going to slam us with obstacles whether we’re ready or not. Helmet or not. But there are two approaches to handling this. You can either mope and whine and then whine with wine. Or, you can take my approach and look at your sticky situation like an SNL skit: shit happens, but it only lasts a brief moment and in the end you’ll laugh about it.

Because stressing over stuff gets you absolutely fucking nowhere and it makes for a dense outlook on life. Also, no one wants to hear your sad story over and over and over again. There is a difference between venting and then getting shit done and down right complaining.

Even your bartender will want to slap you in the face. Or worse, they may introduce you to that really fucking annoying drunk at the end of the bar. Talk about a buzz kill. Unless they’re attractive. Then maybe it’s okay. You could just sound them out and stare at their cheek bones.

But I’m getting off topic.

What I’m trying to get at is that sometimes you can’t prepare yourself enough for life and all of the crap it throws your way. You’ll forget your helmet like I did, but you learn to figure out other alternatives. When you’re riding your bike, life is like the ground. Sometimes you’re going to fall and hit yourself against it, but it’s always important to push through.

So take risks, ride through life without your helmet, but for the love of God, make sure you always keep your head up.

 

xx

Why BuzzFeed Quizzes Are Not Cool Anymore

If BuzzFeed was a store it would be Wal*Mart. Or maybe Goodwill since most of their articles are hand-me-downs and taken from other sites.

But what’s really annoying is how obsessed everyone is with their quizzes. Are you living a lie? Which Disney princess are you? What is your purpose in life? How basic is your baby? (yes, these are all real quizzes)

And sure, they are a great way for you to pass time as you sit in your 9-5 work cubicle, listen to a lecture, wait for the birth of your child, or wait in line at Chipotle, but that is no excuse.

I’m really tired of these quizzes popping up on my newsfeed. And I know we are the generation that likes things instantaneously and since we’re all self-absorbed, of course we want to take a quiz that reveals something about ourselves that we can share with others, that is about ourselves.

But let’s breakdown the logic behind why these quizzes are as lame as your parents:

Your Parents Post Them

Let’s just start here. Remember growing up and being totally embarrassed when your parents tried to act “hip” by using the same lingo as you and your friends? “I’m not like a regular mom. I’m a cool mom.” Well this now entitles them to sharing buzzfeed quizzes. So, hey, guess what? You and your mom both got Cinderella for which Disney character are you! Amazing.

They Take Up Everyone’s Newsfeed

Sure, we all have annoying crap that shows up on our Facebook newsfeeds, but nobody likes to see the same dumb quizzes over and over. Also, who actually has time for these? I just want to scroll down and see pictures of Ryan Gosling wearing a t-shirt of Macaulay Culkin wearing  a t-shirt of Ryan Gosling wearing a t-shirt of Macaulay Culkin (hardest name ever to spell btw).

It’s Grounds For Dismissal

You’re walking a fine line here. A person can only take so much before you get deleted. Almost like birthdays for me. Does anyone else use the birthday reminders on Facebook as a way to delete people? Oh, it’s Hunter Adam’s birthday today? Who dafuq is Hunter Adams? Delete. It’s very effective.

It Shows That You’re Currently Not Doing Anything Important With Your Life

How much of a New Yorker are you? Oh, you were able to check off 55 things out of 100, but it took you a week to respond to my email? Fail. Maybe you should be checking other things. That are maybe more significant. Say for example, oh I don’t know, your gmail account. Or your hotmail, aol, yahoo account  if you’re still stuck in the 90’s- not sure if you are though? There’s a quiz for that. Don’t worry.

The Topics Are As Pointless As You Sharing

I don’t care which house you’re meant to live in, which city you should be living in, or which famous celebrity you need to marry. No. One. Cares.

Bottom line though, BuzzFeed quizzes are not fetch. They never were. And to be completely honest, if you have enough time in your day to be filling them out then maybe we shouldn’t be friends…nah I’m totally kidding. I’ll keep you so I can laugh and see which dumb quizzes you decide to take.

xx

 

photos: tumblr

You Have Finals Right Now- We Get It

It’s that time of year again. Finals. Did you forget? Just scroll through your Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram feed to refresh your memory.

Apparently, it’s also a socially acceptable time for girls to post pictures without make-up on. “Sweat pants, hair tied, chillin with no make-up on, that’s when you’re the” No. That is not when you’re the prettiest.

But we get it. You’re stressed out, freaking out, overwhelmed, and starting to feel like you’re taking crazy pills. Well, maybe you are. Does adderall count?  Still, I am pretty sure that nobody cares how many books are stacked on your desk or how many words you have highlighted in your notes.

I feel as if the only thing worst than studying for finals is having to put up with everyone else complaining about it on social media. I go to my Facebook to stalk my loved ones, visit my Twitter for a quick laugh with what’s going on in the world, and scroll though Instagram to daydream of beaches I wish I was at- I don’t do any of these things in hopes to see other people moaning and bitching about their upcoming tests.

So just to make sure we are all on the same page here, I thought I would give a run down of the annoying people you can expect to complain on your social media platforms these next few days.

The Countdowner

This person would be great to host a New Year’s Eve Party. “Five more days until I’m reunited with my favorite puppy ever back home!” Right. Because everyone really gives two shits about how many days you have left until you are reunited with your furry creatures. Or going back home for that matter. Awesome. Can’t wait to run into each other at the grocery store when I’m home too.

The Selfie Taker

We get it. You didn’t put on makeup today because of finals. You literally woke up like that. But wait, please capture this moment for everyone to review! It’s not like I was casually scrolling through my Instagram account and may have dropped my phone because I didn’t realize Halloween came so early this year.

The Caffeine Horder

Wow! You’re on your third cup of Starbucks today and it’s not even noon yet?! That’s so insane! It’s so insane that I could literally…care less. If I have to see someone post another coffee picture or check into a cafe, I may just have to delete my Facebook and Instagram account.

The Sleep Deprived

I love how people make posts or upload pictures of how sleep deprived they are. Really? Try living in the city where you’re lucky if you can even squeeze in 5 hours of sleep on a regular basis. And guess what? All the girls here still manage to put on some makeup and throw on a killer outfit.

The Procrastinator

These people are pros at doing everything but studying. Building a ship in a bottle, drinking with friends, visiting a museum, taking a picture that doesn’t involve coffee or books and hashtagging with YOLO, or taking part in any activity that doesn’t actually involve school. And don’t worry, they will share this with you because that counts toward their procrastination points.

The Student Who Posts Articles About How Awful Finals Are

You are friends with this person. You’ve seen it before. They are the ones who post the stupid Buzzfeed quizzes: “Scale of 10 To A Million, How Stressed Are You From Finals?” Wow! Kathy scored 500,000?! She must be drowning in work!

We. Don’t. Care. Kathy. Just let me get back to stalking my ex.

The Adderall Junkie

Adderall sellers must be like Johnny Depp from Blow this time of year- providing enough to our friends who are already soberly uptight to begin with.  But we all have this friend for sure. They need more and more until their test is complete and they can walk out of their classroom twitching and bug eyed.

 

Obviously these are only a few of the idiots you have to deal with and there are way more, but I would just like to give you a heads up. And also notify fellow colleagues in the midst of taking their finals- enough already. Stop posting nonsense. No one gives a shit.

 

xx

photos: tumblr

Why The Met Gala Is The Prom You Never Got Invited To

Remember waiting for that one guy to ask you to prom, but he never did? Yeah, his name was The Met.

In the words of Janis Ian: “Did you have an awesome time? Did you drink awesome shooters and listen to awesome music and then just sit around and soak up each other’s awesomeness?” Which any celeb would automatically answer with “fucking duh”.

Year after year, watching The Met Gala is almost as heartbreaking as my junior year in high school when I had to watch my friends get ready for the senior prom and realizing that I didn’t get invited to go.

But The Met Gala is the one prom that everyone wants to go to. With the coolest themes, hottest people, and best gowns- what the fuck is there not to be envious of?

Since most of us are never invited to this social event of the season, I am going to give you the full re-cap. From prom king to wannabes. Here are your 2014 Met Gala nominees:

Prom King And Queen: Beyonce and Jay-Z

Now just because they won prom king and queen doesn’t mean you have to like them. It just means that they are the most popular. Plus everyone loves a somewhat see-through dress.

The Cool Burn Outs Who Probably Skip Class As Much As I Do: David and Victoria Beckham

It doesn’t get any fucking cooler than these two. David is the guy every girl drools over, but only Victoria is bad enough to have him. You can’t even hate or envy this couple- if anything you just root for them more (and try to tag along when they play hooky).

The Wannabes: Alexa Chung and Andy Cohen

You don’t even go here! No, but really, why were they there. (no picture for prom crashers)

Best Dress: Suki Waterhouse

This is just my opinion. If I had to pick one dress to wear to prom it would totally be hers. I don’t think I need to explain further.

The Totally Obsessed With Each Other Couple: Kanye West and Kim Kardashian

PDA in the hallway, pep rallies, lunch, you name it- this is them. The couple that makes you want to gag when you see them. It looks like Kanye is feeling the same way.

The Jock And Cheerleader: Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen

Physically perfect, tall, tan, athletic, and beautiful? This does exist and it’s in the form of Gisele and Tom.

The Troublemaker: Rihanna

I mean even she knows she’s a bad bitch. This is a no brainer.

The Annoying Girl Who Is President Of Every Club: Sarah Jessica Parker

She’s the girl who is always trying to get you to sign up for shit. Petitions, joining a new club, planting flowers in the courtyard, etc. You see her everywhere and she can never stop smiling. Who the hell smiles that much?! So I guess it makes perfect sense that she was a co-chair for the prom this year.

The Book Nerd: Michelle Williams

The girl of few words. Social festivities are not her scene and she would much rather be sticking her nose in a book. However, her parents made her go to prom this year as they thought it would be best for her to make some friends and get some fresh air. Girl could also use a tan. No? Just me? Ok.

The Honor Roll Student: Reese Witherspoon

The golden child to her parents. She never gets lower than an A and wears cardigans on the regular. And, well, since her favorite movie is Pretty In Pink…why not try and recreate it?

The Teacher’s Pet: Taylor Swift

You want to punch her in the face. She always asks for extra credit and is the reason why you can never have a take home test. She helps out after school and takes the participation grade way too serious with her dumb comments.

The Girl You Don’t Want To Leave Your Boyfriend Alone With: Dita Von Teese

Sure she slept with half of the varsity soccer team, baseball, and football, but class slut may be a little too harsh. She’s just a major flirt? Maybe? With a rockin’ bod at that.

The Funny Girl Dating The Foreign Exchange Student: Emma Stone and Andrew Garfield

Emma is the girl who makes everyone laugh. You can’t hate this girl- hell, she’ll probably end up on SNL with all of her theater credit. But you do envy the fact that she was able to score the hot foreign exchange student who also happens to be British and have one hell of an accent.

The Girl Who Can’t Get A Date So She Brings A Family Member: Maggie Gyllenhaal and Jake Gyllenhaal

I would rather not go to the dance if my only option was to bring my brother. Fail.

The Only Junior Girl Who Got Asked By A Senior To Prom: Johnny Depp and Amber Heard

It’s not fair. She automatically becomes the coolest girl in our junior class because the mysterious and hot senior guy asked her. Who cares if he may dress a little weird, he’s still the coolest fucking dude ever. Soak it in, Amber.

The Sisters Who Are Always Fashion Forward: Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen

You want their closet. You may not understand half of it, but you want it. Enough said.

The Teacher/Chaperone Who Actually Brings A Date: Sean Penn and Charlize Theron

Ugh, Mr. Penn, nobody actually brings a date if they’re the chaperone. That’s so lame. But at least your date is hot as hell.

High School Sweethearts: Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds

They’re going to get married after high school and move to bumblefuck land and have kids and bake apple pies. We get it. You’re in love.

Also, how many people actually smile with their teeth at the gala? I know my father always gets mad when I don’t smile with my teeth so I decided to rack up how many people did this year: 5

Not too shabby.

 

xx

photos: tumblr

How Boys Are The Ones Who Really “Just Can’t”

Yes, the biggest phrase for girls these days is “I can’t even”, or “I just can’t deal”, or simply “I can’t”. But these days it’s guys who really can’t.

They can’t seem to handle much of anything, from finding their own place to dealing with ex-girlfriends to fancy restaurants. At least us girls use the phrase as a joke because obvi we can do anything we fucking want and rock at it.

Guys on the other hand, really “just can’t”.  

They can’t be called out on their shit:

Take this guy I met on Tinder a few weeks ago, yeah Tinder which is not for the ugly and poor now. Sure it was all great in the beginning. I took him out. I showed him hot places to go to in the city. I made sure he didn’t pay for drinks or cover anywhere. I did the same for his friends. Actually, I pretty much did everything a dude is supposed to do. And what did I get? Maybe a hook up in the back seat of his shitty car.

But in the end, he couldn’t handle being called out on his shit. I started to realize that he wasn’t really into me, but the perks that I offered. And so one night I came clean to him, of course this was after a few tequila shots. I went off, not going to lie. If you get me upset enough, I will go off. And once I did? No response.

Hey fuck off- I can see if your texts were delivered and read. Idiot.

They can’t handle feelings:

This is a tricky one. Either guys can’t hear about your feelings at all or they have too many to share. My friend’s hook up buddy is currently over emotional. He constantly blurs the lines between dating and just hooking up. Sad to say, he also has way too many feelings. At first I thought he was a therapist because he would always text her and ask how she felt about topics or where she wished to be in 5 years or if she liked him more than a friend.

Then he would totally flip the switch by saying they could only be friends and he “liked to hang out with her”. Which, guys, we all know that means you like having sex with a girl and nothing else. It’s just as bad as saying “Hey, wanna come over tonight and chill and watch Netflix?”. Yes, we have all picked up on the horrible tag lines you guys use these days.

Or hey, take this one guy I was seeing once. He always told me to be open and honest with him and I tried this one night. I tried to tell him, “Hey, I don’t really like when you post pictures of you giving girls kisses on the cheek or ignoring me when we’re out with your friends.” What did I get? Oh, the typical, you’re crazy and a psycho and are way too emotional response.

It seems that whenever a girl has an opinion or feeling to share that guys break out into calling us crazy and annoying. It’s called communication and guys really can’t handle that these days.

They can’t do dates:

What happened to the modern man? I think he got left behind and died of starvation because I don’t see any around these days. I went on a date the other night, shocking right? But when the dinner came to an end and we were laughing away into the sunrise and the check came out- he slid it towards me. If you need to re-read that last sentence then please do so now.

Ahh yes, he slid the check to me and asked to split. The worst word in the English dictionary. Right next to debt and vegetarian. I mean, nobody wants to split their pants, their hair line, alcohol, or especially, a check. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not some mega bitch, but guys will always make more money than girls.

So, I don’t mind paying, but when I am of age and have a bomb job, but right now I am a student and everyday is a struggle. So once I make enough as a man or more then I will happily split or even take the whole check- but right now I can’t. And if you can’t handle a $50 check then maybe we should be seeing different people. Like you should see a bank and get a credit card and I’ll find a man who has at least two commas in his bank account.

Let’s just say that it ended before it began and I have not responded to that guy since.

They can’t seem to remember their manners:

Just because you opened your eyes at the same time as her and kissed her goodbye before you rolled back over into deep sleep, does not make you a gentleman. And giving her cab fare is a nice plus, but it also is a good way to make a girl feel cheap and used. I don’t understand how most men these days are obsessed with and honor their mothers, yet they have no real clue as to how to treat a lady.

It doesn’t matter if the girl is just your friend or someone you are really interested in- have some fucking manners. The other day when I was out with a guy friend I thought I would have to get my face reconstructed after he forgot to hold the door for me and it practically slammed in my face. Marcia Brady had nothing on my nose.

But it’s the little things, guys. Also, it’s not cute to hear you burp or call a random girl on the street hot when you’re walking next to us. I don’t know when this became acceptable either. I believe it only is if you are married to someone for like 10 years or more. But not even.

 

They can’t end things:

Guys these days have perfected the disappearing act. They can do it better than anyone else, without even having to deactivate their Facebook accounts. Bravo men. Sure social media can aid in the disappearing act with blocking, ignoring, and hiding people from your shit.

But guys are just really fucking good at not texting back as well. It’s safe to say that I usually just assume most of my old ghosts in my contacts have literally turned into a ghost. Until I see them out in the club or walking on my block. Which makes me want to pull a stranger aside and ask them if they’re seeing the same shit I am.

But for the most part, guys are amazing at hooking up with girls for awhile then casually ending it by not dealing with it. It’s like they’re  trying to be George Clooney, but way less sexy.

They can’t stop using excuses:

Ever dated the guy who has an excuse for everything? At some point you feel like his history professor as he tries to dodge out of every class. Except it’s you and he’s trying to get out of your dates. Work seems to always be the favorite. Or maybe dinner with his parents. Even though he seemed to have forgotten that on your first date he said his parents live in Ohio.

Then the worst thing ever happens: you start to make excuses for him. “Hey Molly, where’s Steve tonight?” At first you totally want to say, “Fuck off Mary, Steve didn’t want to come  out with me”, but instead you smile politely and say, “Oh, he had a lot of work to catch up on today and wanted to go to bed early tonight.”

When in reality he may have a side chick who could single-handedly take down the NBA or he may still be in the closet.

They can’t be faithful:

I know people who live in the suburbs or tumbleweed-vill are probably going to send me hate mail for this one because God forbid the love of their life is not fucking around. Wake up-6! He probably is.

Guys are notorious for a lot of things, but cheating is definitely number one. Especially in the city. Gretchen Wieners once said, “You may think you know someone, but you could be wrong.” Damn, she was so on the money.

I was seeing a guy last summer and thought everything was totally amaze. Until I found out that he was hooking up with other girls on the side. Which at first I couldn’t wrap my head around because we hung out all day, everyday. And also, he wasn’t even that hot.

It just goes to show that even guys of lower hotness than you have the potential to cheat. You have been warned ladies.

But hey, let’s not be a complete asshole. Here are some things that guys “can” do:

Chug a beer

Take a shot

Play video games

Ignore a girl they’re hooking up with

Avoid annoying girls at parties

Park a car

Watch a movie without making comments

Fake nice to your parents

Wear a suit and look damn good

Pay rent

Ride a bike

Pretend they love animals

Say you look skinny

Curse like a sailor

Make their own fucking sandwich

xx

 

(photos from tumblr)

Class Is Now In Session- Not Really

Some people wake up trying to decide if they should throw all their crap onto their shitty, I mean citi bikes, or throw all their crap onto others in the crammed trains. I, on the other hand, wake up everyday with one thought: “Should I go to class today?”

It’s pretty much the thing that is on every 2o somethings mind. Well, aside from “Where the hell should I go to get drunk today?” and “Is my hook up buddy free tonight?”

Oh and did I mention that it’s especially distracting when you attend school in the city? (I really hope nobody here is asking which city that might be….)

Well it makes the chances of going to class even more slim. So, in my defense, I have decided to start a blog of all the shenanigans that can potentially occur when you hate school and will find any reason not to go. Also, as a way to talk about the things that really matter these days. Or matter to me.

 

xx