Why The Met Gala Is The Prom You Never Got Invited To

Remember waiting for that one guy to ask you to prom, but he never did? Yeah, his name was The Met.

In the words of Janis Ian: “Did you have an awesome time? Did you drink awesome shooters and listen to awesome music and then just sit around and soak up each other’s awesomeness?” Which any celeb would automatically answer with “fucking duh”.

Year after year, watching The Met Gala is almost as heartbreaking as my junior year in high school when I had to watch my friends get ready for the senior prom and realizing that I didn’t get invited to go.

But The Met Gala is the one prom that everyone wants to go to. With the coolest themes, hottest people, and best gowns- what the fuck is there not to be envious of?

Since most of us are never invited to this social event of the season, I am going to give you the full re-cap. From prom king to wannabes. Here are your 2014 Met Gala nominees:

Prom King And Queen: Beyonce and Jay-Z

Now just because they won prom king and queen doesn’t mean you have to like them. It just means that they are the most popular. Plus everyone loves a somewhat see-through dress.

The Cool Burn Outs Who Probably Skip Class As Much As I Do: David and Victoria Beckham

It doesn’t get any fucking cooler than these two. David is the guy every girl drools over, but only Victoria is bad enough to have him. You can’t even hate or envy this couple- if anything you just root for them more (and try to tag along when they play hooky).

The Wannabes: Alexa Chung and Andy Cohen

You don’t even go here! No, but really, why were they there. (no picture for prom crashers)

Best Dress: Suki Waterhouse

This is just my opinion. If I had to pick one dress to wear to prom it would totally be hers. I don’t think I need to explain further.

The Totally Obsessed With Each Other Couple: Kanye West and Kim Kardashian

PDA in the hallway, pep rallies, lunch, you name it- this is them. The couple that makes you want to gag when you see them. It looks like Kanye is feeling the same way.

The Jock And Cheerleader: Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen

Physically perfect, tall, tan, athletic, and beautiful? This does exist and it’s in the form of Gisele and Tom.

The Troublemaker: Rihanna

I mean even she knows she’s a bad bitch. This is a no brainer.

The Annoying Girl Who Is President Of Every Club: Sarah Jessica Parker

She’s the girl who is always trying to get you to sign up for shit. Petitions, joining a new club, planting flowers in the courtyard, etc. You see her everywhere and she can never stop smiling. Who the hell smiles that much?! So I guess it makes perfect sense that she was a co-chair for the prom this year.

The Book Nerd: Michelle Williams

The girl of few words. Social festivities are not her scene and she would much rather be sticking her nose in a book. However, her parents made her go to prom this year as they thought it would be best for her to make some friends and get some fresh air. Girl could also use a tan. No? Just me? Ok.

The Honor Roll Student: Reese Witherspoon

The golden child to her parents. She never gets lower than an A and wears cardigans on the regular. And, well, since her favorite movie is Pretty In Pink…why not try and recreate it?

The Teacher’s Pet: Taylor Swift

You want to punch her in the face. She always asks for extra credit and is the reason why you can never have a take home test. She helps out after school and takes the participation grade way too serious with her dumb comments.

The Girl You Don’t Want To Leave Your Boyfriend Alone With: Dita Von Teese

Sure she slept with half of the varsity soccer team, baseball, and football, but class slut may be a little too harsh. She’s just a major flirt? Maybe? With a rockin’ bod at that.

The Funny Girl Dating The Foreign Exchange Student: Emma Stone and Andrew Garfield

Emma is the girl who makes everyone laugh. You can’t hate this girl- hell, she’ll probably end up on SNL with all of her theater credit. But you do envy the fact that she was able to score the hot foreign exchange student who also happens to be British and have one hell of an accent.

The Girl Who Can’t Get A Date So She Brings A Family Member: Maggie Gyllenhaal and Jake Gyllenhaal

I would rather not go to the dance if my only option was to bring my brother. Fail.

The Only Junior Girl Who Got Asked By A Senior To Prom: Johnny Depp and Amber Heard

It’s not fair. She automatically becomes the coolest girl in our junior class because the mysterious and hot senior guy asked her. Who cares if he may dress a little weird, he’s still the coolest fucking dude ever. Soak it in, Amber.

The Sisters Who Are Always Fashion Forward: Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen

You want their closet. You may not understand half of it, but you want it. Enough said.

The Teacher/Chaperone Who Actually Brings A Date: Sean Penn and Charlize Theron

Ugh, Mr. Penn, nobody actually brings a date if they’re the chaperone. That’s so lame. But at least your date is hot as hell.

High School Sweethearts: Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds

They’re going to get married after high school and move to bumblefuck land and have kids and bake apple pies. We get it. You’re in love.

Also, how many people actually smile with their teeth at the gala? I know my father always gets mad when I don’t smile with my teeth so I decided to rack up how many people did this year: 5

Not too shabby.

 

xx

photos: tumblr

How Boys Are The Ones Who Really “Just Can’t”

Yes, the biggest phrase for girls these days is “I can’t even”, or “I just can’t deal”, or simply “I can’t”. But these days it’s guys who really can’t.

They can’t seem to handle much of anything, from finding their own place to dealing with ex-girlfriends to fancy restaurants. At least us girls use the phrase as a joke because obvi we can do anything we fucking want and rock at it.

Guys on the other hand, really “just can’t”.  

They can’t be called out on their shit:

Take this guy I met on Tinder a few weeks ago, yeah Tinder which is not for the ugly and poor now. Sure it was all great in the beginning. I took him out. I showed him hot places to go to in the city. I made sure he didn’t pay for drinks or cover anywhere. I did the same for his friends. Actually, I pretty much did everything a dude is supposed to do. And what did I get? Maybe a hook up in the back seat of his shitty car.

But in the end, he couldn’t handle being called out on his shit. I started to realize that he wasn’t really into me, but the perks that I offered. And so one night I came clean to him, of course this was after a few tequila shots. I went off, not going to lie. If you get me upset enough, I will go off. And once I did? No response.

Hey fuck off- I can see if your texts were delivered and read. Idiot.

They can’t handle feelings:

This is a tricky one. Either guys can’t hear about your feelings at all or they have too many to share. My friend’s hook up buddy is currently over emotional. He constantly blurs the lines between dating and just hooking up. Sad to say, he also has way too many feelings. At first I thought he was a therapist because he would always text her and ask how she felt about topics or where she wished to be in 5 years or if she liked him more than a friend.

Then he would totally flip the switch by saying they could only be friends and he “liked to hang out with her”. Which, guys, we all know that means you like having sex with a girl and nothing else. It’s just as bad as saying “Hey, wanna come over tonight and chill and watch Netflix?”. Yes, we have all picked up on the horrible tag lines you guys use these days.

Or hey, take this one guy I was seeing once. He always told me to be open and honest with him and I tried this one night. I tried to tell him, “Hey, I don’t really like when you post pictures of you giving girls kisses on the cheek or ignoring me when we’re out with your friends.” What did I get? Oh, the typical, you’re crazy and a psycho and are way too emotional response.

It seems that whenever a girl has an opinion or feeling to share that guys break out into calling us crazy and annoying. It’s called communication and guys really can’t handle that these days.

They can’t do dates:

What happened to the modern man? I think he got left behind and died of starvation because I don’t see any around these days. I went on a date the other night, shocking right? But when the dinner came to an end and we were laughing away into the sunrise and the check came out- he slid it towards me. If you need to re-read that last sentence then please do so now.

Ahh yes, he slid the check to me and asked to split. The worst word in the English dictionary. Right next to debt and vegetarian. I mean, nobody wants to split their pants, their hair line, alcohol, or especially, a check. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not some mega bitch, but guys will always make more money than girls.

So, I don’t mind paying, but when I am of age and have a bomb job, but right now I am a student and everyday is a struggle. So once I make enough as a man or more then I will happily split or even take the whole check- but right now I can’t. And if you can’t handle a $50 check then maybe we should be seeing different people. Like you should see a bank and get a credit card and I’ll find a man who has at least two commas in his bank account.

Let’s just say that it ended before it began and I have not responded to that guy since.

They can’t seem to remember their manners:

Just because you opened your eyes at the same time as her and kissed her goodbye before you rolled back over into deep sleep, does not make you a gentleman. And giving her cab fare is a nice plus, but it also is a good way to make a girl feel cheap and used. I don’t understand how most men these days are obsessed with and honor their mothers, yet they have no real clue as to how to treat a lady.

It doesn’t matter if the girl is just your friend or someone you are really interested in- have some fucking manners. The other day when I was out with a guy friend I thought I would have to get my face reconstructed after he forgot to hold the door for me and it practically slammed in my face. Marcia Brady had nothing on my nose.

But it’s the little things, guys. Also, it’s not cute to hear you burp or call a random girl on the street hot when you’re walking next to us. I don’t know when this became acceptable either. I believe it only is if you are married to someone for like 10 years or more. But not even.

 

They can’t end things:

Guys these days have perfected the disappearing act. They can do it better than anyone else, without even having to deactivate their Facebook accounts. Bravo men. Sure social media can aid in the disappearing act with blocking, ignoring, and hiding people from your shit.

But guys are just really fucking good at not texting back as well. It’s safe to say that I usually just assume most of my old ghosts in my contacts have literally turned into a ghost. Until I see them out in the club or walking on my block. Which makes me want to pull a stranger aside and ask them if they’re seeing the same shit I am.

But for the most part, guys are amazing at hooking up with girls for awhile then casually ending it by not dealing with it. It’s like they’re  trying to be George Clooney, but way less sexy.

They can’t stop using excuses:

Ever dated the guy who has an excuse for everything? At some point you feel like his history professor as he tries to dodge out of every class. Except it’s you and he’s trying to get out of your dates. Work seems to always be the favorite. Or maybe dinner with his parents. Even though he seemed to have forgotten that on your first date he said his parents live in Ohio.

Then the worst thing ever happens: you start to make excuses for him. “Hey Molly, where’s Steve tonight?” At first you totally want to say, “Fuck off Mary, Steve didn’t want to come  out with me”, but instead you smile politely and say, “Oh, he had a lot of work to catch up on today and wanted to go to bed early tonight.”

When in reality he may have a side chick who could single-handedly take down the NBA or he may still be in the closet.

They can’t be faithful:

I know people who live in the suburbs or tumbleweed-vill are probably going to send me hate mail for this one because God forbid the love of their life is not fucking around. Wake up-6! He probably is.

Guys are notorious for a lot of things, but cheating is definitely number one. Especially in the city. Gretchen Wieners once said, “You may think you know someone, but you could be wrong.” Damn, she was so on the money.

I was seeing a guy last summer and thought everything was totally amaze. Until I found out that he was hooking up with other girls on the side. Which at first I couldn’t wrap my head around because we hung out all day, everyday. And also, he wasn’t even that hot.

It just goes to show that even guys of lower hotness than you have the potential to cheat. You have been warned ladies.

But hey, let’s not be a complete asshole. Here are some things that guys “can” do:

Chug a beer

Take a shot

Play video games

Ignore a girl they’re hooking up with

Avoid annoying girls at parties

Park a car

Watch a movie without making comments

Fake nice to your parents

Wear a suit and look damn good

Pay rent

Ride a bike

Pretend they love animals

Say you look skinny

Curse like a sailor

Make their own fucking sandwich

xx

 

(photos from tumblr)